Ice Bats

I was aware of bowling, NASCAR, the rodeo, and televised hunting and fishing shows, but this past weekend I was made aware that Minor League ice hockey in Texas is also a sport adored by the social order known to society as White Trash. My buddy Duran was on mullet count for the night and although I am not certain of the final numbers I am pretty sure it was well into the double digits.

See Saturday night four friends and I decided to go to an Austin Ice Bats game just to see what it was all about. First of all, it is in the middle of frikin nowhere. For those of you who don’t know, in Austin I-35 pretty much separates nice Austin (west side) from the ghetto as hell part (east side). Well the Ice Bats stadium is well into the east side, in fact it’s nearly past the east side. I was a little confused when we got to the ‘stadium’ because it could very easily be mistaken for an airplane hanger.

Outside the stadium we were waiting in line to buy tickets when a scalper approached us. He was trying to sell 2 tickets for $15 a pop. I asked to see the face value and the face was $15 on them. He tried to convince us they were on the glass but we turned him down because we were down for the $10 seats and I had a hunch that they weren’t gonna exactly be sold out. While waiting inline I started to think, what kind of scalper tries to scalp tickets for fifteen bucks at face value? Does he not understand that the object of scalping tickets is to sell them for more than you bought them for? Then I began to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was just an ordinary joe and got stuck with some tickets because plans didn’t work out. But I immediately stopped myself, NO WAY! This guy had scalper tendencies. This was one shady dude and a very stupid shady dude apparently.

Also, while waiting in line two little Mexican kids were running in and out weaving through the lines playing ‘Marco-Polo’. Except it wasn’t Marco-Polo. It was ‘Holla-?’. The kid who was it would call Holla and I never got to find out what the response was because the other kid was cheating his ass off and pretending that he couldn’t hear. So I started to throw the kid off by responding Polo every time he called Holla. I will always be curious as to what the ‘?’ in ‘Holla-?’ actually was.

We finally get in the stadium and find our seats and start to absorb in the true ghetto-ness of the arena. So we are sitting there watching the teams warm up when behind one of the goals above the end zone, I guess you could call it, we started to hear some scratching from the side of the wall just below the ceiling. Mind you this is probably 40+ ft high. All of a sudden the wall is punctured and some streamer like stuff falls out like confetti. I figure this is just some kind of ghetto stunt they had going on. Next thing I know this big ass lump falls out of the wall and into the crowd. It was hard to tell what it was but I was pretty damn sure it was insulation. I couldn’t believe that insulation had just fallen out of the frikin roof just before the start of the game. Well I shouldn’t have believed it because it wasn’t insulation. It was a giant ass Raccoon and it started to run though the bleachers and the concessions area. In a normal situation people would be screaming and running. Here, people were screaming and running all right but they weren’t running away they were trying to chase the thing down. And I’m not just talking about staff workers. I’m not exactly sure what they planned on doing once they caught the ‘coon but I believe it was something along the lines of it being a much cheaper meal than the $3.50 hotdogs they were selling. Luckily for the raccoon it managed to find its way under the bleachers and I’m not sure that anybody really did anything about it after that. I was semi-paranoid the rest of the game that the rodent was going to resurface and bit the shit out of me and give me rabies and I’d have to get like 50 shots injected into my stomach. Not a pleasant thought needless to say.

In the 3rd period Fang, the Ice Bats mascot comes walking by. So we decided to take a picture with this guy. I took the first picture with my digital camera of the four other guys and Fang. I couldn’t understand why they all had such harsh grimaces on their faces and why they were laughing uncontrollably. After the picture, Kent and I switched out and I got in the picture and put my arm around Fang. It all became very clear what everyone was laughing about. Our buddy Fang is the foulest smelling human being on planet earth. After the picture I turned to him and just got straight with him. I told him, “Dude, you fucking REEK!” He was just like “Tell me about it, I’m on the inside.” For the rest of the game we were laughing our asses off watching excited little kids run up to hug Fang and then their faces immediately change from excitement to this look of Uh Oh Did I Just Crap My Pants/Diapers or Does Fang Really Smell THAT SHITTY. It was quite the hilarity.

Oh yea, and the hockey was damn ghetto too. The Ice Bats had 10 power plays, that’s 10 chances to play with one more skater than the other team for all you non-hockey people out there, and they went 0-10 on the power play. It was ridiculous. That includes a one minute 38 second 5-3 chance and a 4 minute double minor (5-4). They did end up scoring a goal and winning 1-0 but I came to conclusion that they weren’t much of hockey players they were more so just fighters. It’s good they fought they because had it just had been pure hockey it would have sucked because to put it bluntly these guys frikin sucked ass.

Anyways, that is my story of the ghetto ass Austin Ice Bats Hockey experience. So if you ever plan on going to a minor league hockey game BEWARE!


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